y espuma. i was brave.

i wanted to do my first australian open water swimming, so i registered for the bondi-bronte swimg, and went to bondi, NSW.

is not a common thing to do an open water swimming when you don’t know the ocean, have never swam on it, or know anyone doing the swim. but i do like some challenges.

so i waited to be the last of my weave because i didn’t want to feel crowded. i just wanted to do it at my own peace, and enjoy it.

me and my turtle face.

i waited with this turtle face, and now that i look at it, i feel like i was hiding the fear really well.

3, 2, go!

the bumpy waves ahead. 2+ km too.

i was so nervous at the start that my breath was too short to get under the waves - a real struggle when they are big enough.

in the middle of the waves and conscious of my breath, i thought to give up. i didn’t know if i would make it. i wasn’t able to train this past week, i didn’t know this ocean currents or weaves, how to do the end in bronti, or if i could handle the cold water, and how not, the doubt of sharks that is always present in my australian swims 🦈 .

the weaves were moving my body all around, and the current pushing me out.

i kept pushing too. with my head up the water, as i wasn’t able to breath properly, telling my self i was able to do it. i just had to calm down, get pass the weaves breaking, and i would arrive to the enjoyable part, when breath in and breath out give me two completely different landscapes: mountain, cliffs, green and sky, and then darkness, some sunshine filtering through, algae, and more darkness.

i kept reminding myself that there was not a reason to believe i couldn’t do it. i have pushed myself out of my comfort zone so many other times, and i have managed. i kept reminding myself how much i do enjoy my arms moving me forward, my body turning to let my arms get momentum, the stretch to optimise my stroke, the bubbles from my hand entering the water, once and again.

the two landscapes swimming with me.

i kept balancing memories and affirmations.

it felt utterly cold. and the feeling of calm that ocean always offers me, was more difficult to reach.

but if u keep moving, u eventually overcome. and that’s what happened. at some point, i was already on my rhythm: breath in - breath out, dark then cliffs, algae then clouds. proud and content.

moving. breathing in - breathing out.

fear still interjected. the weaves moving me up and down, forward and back. but also the sky was bright, the cliffs beautiful and i knew there were some special people cheering me from the side. i also kept reminding myself that country was holding me, uncle’s welcome ceremony has protected me, i was safe.

i did enjoyed it.

sooner before i realised, and with the cautious approach i have taken with my rythm, i started to see bronte. i knew there were larger waves this time. but i have made most of it, so if i had to get exhausted here, i would get so. there were not further kilometres ahead of me this time.

for a moment, a vast amount of algae gave me joy. it was a piece of art i was part of. submerged. vibrant. beautiful. they were all suspended: small bits and pieces, textures, colours. the dark became brighter.

and then the waves. “surf the wave, go with nature” was on my head. my arms and legs kept moving. as a kid i was so many time turned upside down by waves. i just needed to have breath. i thought i would keep going until i couldn’t. so i did.

i arrived to Bronti 45 min after that turtle face you saw at the beginning. i wasn’t physically tired because I have been cautious with my energy, but the fear exhausted me.

it always does.

me arriving to Bronte finish line

next time i know fear won’t be far as high, it will be in a more measured state. i won’t have short breath, i will navigate the first waves with more joy, and the last ones with more pride. my experience back me up. now i know i can do it. and i will perform better too. swim faster, lighter. i might smile at the camera and might not wait to be the last on the wave.

but that would be next time.

difficult situations are not foreign to me, i’m sure nor it is to you. it is something i navigate constantly. it is not a quality that i avoid, but rather than i look forward to overcome, to shift, to navigate, to swim through. because i know that only then i will be free to do what i believe in doing, that not fear or difficulty will hold me from authenticity.

sometimes you need the opportunity to get through the fear, navigate the difficulty, demonstrate to yourself –and others– you can do it. you need opportunities to experience both, the fear and the achievement.

this time, ocean was holding me, people i love cheering me, and i had just that, an opportunity dependent on me. then, algae gave me joy, and finishing gave me pride.

i will remember this every time i am leading, and every time i’m swimming. to be the cheering, the ocean, to stay all along on the side, to celebrate and protect the willingness to navigate fear. to give people a chance, an opportunity, a space, to transform, to navigate, but also, to achieve, to celebrate.

i will remember to be algae and joy. to be container. to bring art and beauty, to hold us all as part of– despite difficulty.